What is a ceremony, some may say. Why have a ceremony, other’s may say. Ceremonies are for weddings and funerals, they all say. But no, I say.
Many think of ceremonies as rituals and it is that word “ritual” which sends people running for the hills. They may also envisage that a ceremony needs to be religious and one which follows a particular prescribed tradition which may not suit the needs of today’s society or, more importantly, your needs.
Ceremonies occur every day, sometimes without us even knowing they are a ceremony. A birthday gathering, a graduation, moving on to another job, retirement and the list goes on.
Ceremonies can be as big or as little as you wish and those struggling to come to terms with their continuing or completed fertility journey and all it has entailed would not necessarily want or require a ceremony where family and friends come to acknowledge the path they have been on and their loss. Your loss is private and special to you, grieved for by you and sometimes has been suffered in secrecy. Present at your ceremony can be just you and someone special – a partner, friend or someone of great support to you.
A ceremony can help by making the intangible, tangible. You don’t have anything physically to grieve, but mentally you have a lot. By putting words to your feelings you are able to acknowledge the many losses you have incurred during your fertility journey – the loss of a baby through miscarriage, loss of an embryo whether through a failed cycle or discarding, loss of your dreams through failed IVF cycles. Ceremony can also provide a time to acknowledge the many difficult emotions you have endured during your fertility journey - lack of control, heartache, pain, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, disbelief and guilt.
If you think that ceremony may be helpful for you, below are some simple suggestions of how you could mark your loss by ceremony.
Whatever you do, your ceremony should be created as something that has meaning and resonates with you.
If you decide to undertake your ceremony on your own, remember to treat your ceremony with the respect it deserves. Take whatever time you need to organise what it is you would like to do and spend some time thinking about and writing some special words to be read, either by yourself or maybe a partner or friend.
By acknowledging your loss, the hope is that you find some relief in your sadness, feeling a sense of peace and comfort, ready to embrace another passage in your life or continue on the same one with increased hope and vigour.
Many think of ceremonies as rituals and it is that word “ritual” which sends people running for the hills. They may also envisage that a ceremony needs to be religious and one which follows a particular prescribed tradition which may not suit the needs of today’s society or, more importantly, your needs.
Ceremonies occur every day, sometimes without us even knowing they are a ceremony. A birthday gathering, a graduation, moving on to another job, retirement and the list goes on.
Ceremonies can be as big or as little as you wish and those struggling to come to terms with their continuing or completed fertility journey and all it has entailed would not necessarily want or require a ceremony where family and friends come to acknowledge the path they have been on and their loss. Your loss is private and special to you, grieved for by you and sometimes has been suffered in secrecy. Present at your ceremony can be just you and someone special – a partner, friend or someone of great support to you.
A ceremony can help by making the intangible, tangible. You don’t have anything physically to grieve, but mentally you have a lot. By putting words to your feelings you are able to acknowledge the many losses you have incurred during your fertility journey – the loss of a baby through miscarriage, loss of an embryo whether through a failed cycle or discarding, loss of your dreams through failed IVF cycles. Ceremony can also provide a time to acknowledge the many difficult emotions you have endured during your fertility journey - lack of control, heartache, pain, frustration, anger, sadness, loss, disbelief and guilt.
If you think that ceremony may be helpful for you, below are some simple suggestions of how you could mark your loss by ceremony.
- Create a memory box with all your special items included such as early scan pictures, pregnancy tests, letters from the fertility clinics with appointment times. Anything you have kept that feels special.
- Create a journal to keep safe all the special dates which occurred during your journey and the many emotions you felt.
- A special piece of jewellery. (I have a Stow Necklace which includes five little pieces of crystals to acknowledge the five embryos I lost).
- Plant a tree, maybe one that blooms in the month your baby was to be born.
- Choose a flower special to you and float it down a stream or set it out to sea.
- Buy a decoration for your Christmas tree to acknowledge your loss – maybe an angel, but anything which has meaning for you.
- Write some words in the sand and wait for the waves to wash them away.
Whatever you do, your ceremony should be created as something that has meaning and resonates with you.
If you decide to undertake your ceremony on your own, remember to treat your ceremony with the respect it deserves. Take whatever time you need to organise what it is you would like to do and spend some time thinking about and writing some special words to be read, either by yourself or maybe a partner or friend.
By acknowledging your loss, the hope is that you find some relief in your sadness, feeling a sense of peace and comfort, ready to embrace another passage in your life or continue on the same one with increased hope and vigour.
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