There is a road that I travel fairly regularly within the neighbourhood I live in which always brings me back to the place when I learnt I had a second ectopic pregnancy.
Every time I round the corner of the stretch of road, I am instantly reminded of where I pulled over to the side of the road to answer my phone. It was a private number and the fertility clinic was the only one who came through as such a number.
I had already previously received the phone call that everyone dreads after the two week wait that I was not pregnant, but I required another test to ensure my hCG levels dropped below 5, where they should be. However, the result had increased and the phone call I received was to tell me that I was pregnant, but the levels were not as high as would be expected.
I had already had one ectopic pregnancy and was aware how the levels can bounce around and this not only brought back those feelings of loss, but also feelings of excitement – “could I actually be pregnant – am I going to have another baby?!”.
The rollercoaster ensued right there on the side of the road and it is amazing how many emotions can hit you repeatedly at the same time through a memory.
This is grief. You will never get over grief, you learn to live with it which is why you are sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of sadness when you least expect it.
Once upon a time my grief was raw. Ceremony helped me to be more at peace. It gave me a chance to acknowledge my losses during my fertility journey. My lost pregnancies are still important to me, they are children that could have been and during the ceremony I held for them I was able to express my love and what I had hoped for them.
I still remember that phone call every time I drive that piece of road. It still hits me and surprises me every time, but the tears do not come and, if they do, that is okay as well.
Every time I round the corner of the stretch of road, I am instantly reminded of where I pulled over to the side of the road to answer my phone. It was a private number and the fertility clinic was the only one who came through as such a number.
I had already previously received the phone call that everyone dreads after the two week wait that I was not pregnant, but I required another test to ensure my hCG levels dropped below 5, where they should be. However, the result had increased and the phone call I received was to tell me that I was pregnant, but the levels were not as high as would be expected.
I had already had one ectopic pregnancy and was aware how the levels can bounce around and this not only brought back those feelings of loss, but also feelings of excitement – “could I actually be pregnant – am I going to have another baby?!”.
The rollercoaster ensued right there on the side of the road and it is amazing how many emotions can hit you repeatedly at the same time through a memory.
This is grief. You will never get over grief, you learn to live with it which is why you are sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of sadness when you least expect it.
Once upon a time my grief was raw. Ceremony helped me to be more at peace. It gave me a chance to acknowledge my losses during my fertility journey. My lost pregnancies are still important to me, they are children that could have been and during the ceremony I held for them I was able to express my love and what I had hoped for them.
I still remember that phone call every time I drive that piece of road. It still hits me and surprises me every time, but the tears do not come and, if they do, that is okay as well.
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